9:08 AM
Try to find every item in the HD ad for this week.

9:10 AM
I saw someone I knew and avoided them. I don't think I have the capacity to carry on a normal conversation anymore.

Talking Heads on the radio, Wild Life, which I think is from the soundtrack to true stories. Rock on.

*When this book is published we are going to need footnotes and a glossary.

9:13 AM
Saw an employee that I found to be very attractive. I bet if I saw her in the real world I would find her waattractive (or is it wattractive?) Even Mr. Dickers isn't working right in this place.

Time Trials. To kill some time I am going to walk up and down every aisle with an empty cart and time myself starting now.
Go. 9:19:30 (9:19:30 correct time)
Stop. 9:43:45

9:45 AM
Got a lot to write about after that.

We've got Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on the PA- Wanna Be Like You.

I'm sweating. Walked up and down every isle of the store in about 24 minutes. I know I can top that. I would like to get it down to 15 minutes with a $75 toilet in my cart.

DMB on the radio again, don't like it this time, maybe I have gained sanity. Don't know the song, Ants Marching maybe? (Under the Table and Dreaming)

My parents are trying to kill me. It's true. They bought me some water to "help" me with my big Home Depot day. So I'm walking the store and I whip one out to quench my thirst. Upon opening it, it has a terrible odor. It tastes just as bad. Same with the other bottle. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. It's either water poisoning or dehydration.

At the start of the time trials I realized that I no longer had the ability to tell time. What I thought was a normal watch had all of these strange numbers and symbols all over it. It also seemed to be keeping a 100 minute hour. I look back down at it now and everything looks fine and normal. Not even 10:00 and I have already lost it.

During my walk I realized that I am afraid of only one aisle. The fiberglass insulation aisle. The Pink Panther stares at me and I feel as if the giant fluff poisonous pink rolls will fall and crush me at any minute. Not so sure if I can go back there again. I would like to attempt it with a "fiberglass buddy" if the opportunity presents itself.

On the radio- Huey Lewis and the News from the Back to the Future soundtrack. Lorraine is my density.

Some dude just asked me if I worked here. His explanation was that I had a pen and a pad.

Some things that could keep me occupied:
-Develop and follow a HD exercise routine.
-Ask employees outlandish questions.
-Time different employees at locating the same items.

10:05 AM
Just went to the bathroom and pissed all over my own legs.

10:10 AM
I find myself extremely attracted to anyone who is female and in a Home Depot apron. This new employee is far hotter than the last.

The poodle left. I miss her.

10:12 AM
Saw a man wearing a "Bugs Kick Grass" T-Shirt. I want one.

10:18 AM
Straight up staredown from a non-employee pushing a large cart. Fuck you, buddy. I can read my journal on a bench in the flower section if I want to.

10:28 AM
http:/www.nevergonnamakeit.com. This is one of the biggest stores that I have ever been in, but I feel that the store is shrinking exponentially. I hate the aisles. I hate this pen and notebook. A HD employee just walked by me and I nearly shit my pants. It's too bad, that could have been shit #3.

10:33 AM
I have come to the conclusion that there are a number of non-employees that have been here as long as I have. Go home, you fucks. Go home and cut your hair and sleep and eat real food. I may kill someone by the end of this. Suck on it Bob Bacconet!!!

10:49 AM
I don't smoke crack, but I wish I did before I came here. Then I could be like the key-making guy.

Next on the agenda: Finding everything in this week's ad.

Kid just walked by me screaming, "I want to sit on that thing again." If I could only leave the store I could make his dreams a reality.

Seen lots of dykes today.

10:45 AM (sic)
I hate fat people. Exeunt.

10:54 AM
I stumped an employee with a question about this week's ad. Now he can't find a fellow employee to help him. More on this later.

Ok. I can't find the portable gas grill featured on the cover of this week's ad. So I ask an employee. He shows me another grill that he says it's better and cheaper. He is wrong because the other grill is not a gas grill. After all this hoopla it turns out that they are out of stock for the Char Broil portable gas grill and won't have it till next week. That's too bad because I would have liked one for camping.

* Find items in alphabetical order in one aisle.

11:04 AM
Home Depot carries kink-free hose. I find that disturbing because I really enjoy kinky hose… kinky hose. Similar jokes could be made for a "soaker hose".

11:08 AM
I am in such good shape that it is kinda scary. I figured that my inner dialogue would like to know that. My gut (or lack of it) is actually firm. What the hell is up with that. I think I need to get back to sitting at my computer all the time, drinking like Mike, eating pizza all the time, and smoking a pack a day. I miss the old days. My balls itch less now… that's a good thing.

11:13 AM
HD carries a product called "Real Kill". It is designed to be used on hornets, but the product would be far superior if it was made for use on hippies.

11:19 AM
I am in the garden section right now so it seems logical that I dwell on something else that I have no idea about. Women. There is quite a wide range of things that I don't understand about women, but one of the things that bugs me the most often is when women place the strap of their purse right in-between their tits. Ok. I admit it. I was staring at your tits. But that gives you no reason to put that strap there. Are you trying to make sure that magically and delicious don't fight? Or are you just looking for attention. Well let me save you the trouble, you look like a moron. A male equivalent would be for me to duct tape my balls to my stomach in order to get them out of the way (Note to self: Stay away from duct tape aisle). It doesn't look good and it doesn't serve any purpose. Ladies if you want to draw attention to your breasts just shove them in my face. Forget this purse strap bullshit. Ladies and gents, Nightwing has just taken you to school.

11:31 AM
Very tempted to take my shirt off and get some sun in the garden section. I would probably end up being forced to get it on with numerous hot Home Depot employees. Since this was not factored into my sched I will have to pass.

One of the aisle phones is ringing, should I pick it up?

11:35 AM
I don't condone theft of any kind but I think I may have found a foolproof shoplifting route at this HD. Note: I would never do this. All one would have to do is go around the store making sure to pick up the expensive items at their choice. Then when they feel that they have enough they just need to go to the garden section and leave through the exit there with all of their stolen goods. No security, doesn't seem to be any alarm. With a getaway car, this plan would be foolproof. If I only knew a bunch of kids dumb enough to pull a job like this…

11:35 AM
Adventure never stops at the Home Depot. Some dude runts into the bathroom going, "That's a good one, oh yeah." I look over and instead of seeing him beating the bishop as I expected, I see his hand gushing blood. Bad scene.

Also I have found that at the HD people don't like to follow the 1 spare rule when all the urinals are free.

11:49 AM
Why didn't I bring a Walkman. What the hell is wrong with me.